Cyber Monday?

Oh yeah...the pudgy sloppy seconds to Black Friday.

Black Friday is this really cool yet sleazy dude dressed in onyx who makes hot young moms wake up at the crack of dawn to save four bucks on a 40-inch Samsung plasma flatscreen.
Cyber Monday is this short, balding and accident-prone schlub who is content with plopping his bum in a faded leather office chair for hours, twiddling away at website bargains, clicking with maddening resolve, until he finally comes across the best deal for an economy size pack of keyboard dusters.
And to think: Cyber Monday actually lasts all week. Whoa.

The Lair of the Google

Larger and more ferocious than any of its kind, the Google huddled upon mammoth haunches, its feet the size of wagons, its genitals engorged and bulbous. It had feasted just hours before, but again, hunger pangs in its distended and vacuous belly began to broil. It arose with spindly arms, coarse black hair jutting off like pubic, veins darting like rivers and underwater streams, it arched itself into a great yawn and defecated enormous and rank a steaming pile of lime sludge and writhing parasite. The Google knew no such thing as worry, the weight of trouble or harm having no imprint on its hour-by-hour carnal delights. It's aim was to fornicate and feed, and so it did, on the wary and the mighty and on whomever stumbled across its tepid onyx cave.

On its way out and into the blaring light of early morning, the Google passed the chattering Facebook, the vainglorious YouTube, and the immensely fat Wikipedia, a loathsome trio of fellow inhabitants that shared the cavernous confines of the Google den. Scrambling from view and into the deep edges of the ashen tunnel the threesome hid, dripping urine and frantic saliva in fleeting strands and grimy puddles. The Google guffawed as it trudged its way by, tossing great blasts of flatulence in their direction, snickering and mocking at their moderate-sized breasts and testicles. It was King of all domains. Its gross dominance, its simplistically inexorable power, it proved too sturdy, too perfect for any to challenge. And so it reigned. Lumping its way across the fields of wheat, through splotchy fens of mud and weed, over granite face and by the sweeping expanse of ancient forest and rolling hillock.

It would find a virgin user, and it would waste little time. Ravaging, and then, with swift talons and slate-lined fangs, devouring and leaving no trace or hint of victim. Just a thick trail of spoor and malignant semen that will wind itself through valley and rock and back again into a secret rank pit where three jealous neighbors will idly watch with wide eyes and erect members the return of their inimitable master.

When the Internet Kicks Ass

When it's time do get shit done, surf's up, dude.

So far, today, I've done the following amazing shit thanks to the Internet, my best friend:

• Posted the latest "In Focus Today" article for NPR

• Wrote a thank you letter to a friend

• Researched the Penn State fiasco for a Podcast

• Bought tickets for Mastodon at the House of Blues

• A whole lot of browsing....

Pretty cool, right?

Whatever.

My phone is dumb.

Maybe one day, when I can afford to purchase a smartphone and the ensuing monthly bills and apps, people will look at me with admiration in their eyes...or at least a sense of acceptance.

Until then, I shall remain an outcast. A lowly, wretched example of society's not-with-it.

A freak.

Expresso?

No, not the beverage. Besides that's 'espresso.'

I'm talking about the "interactive cardio system." Yeah. Sounds kinda cool, right?

Well, it is. It's basically like any standard bike you would find at the gym, but some GENIUS decided to go, "Hey, why not turn this into a video game and allow people to race against each other's times?"

Durrrrrr!!!!!!!! What a fucking great idea!

In any case, my YMCA has four of them and me and my brother are hooked. Seriously, you can't beat me. He can't, so that means you can't.

One of the best things about it - besides getting in shape and making those legs work into overdrive, and the video game part - is the fact that you can check your times, rank, and all types of statistics on their website. Yeah, awesome.

It's simple, too. You get on the bike, sign in, peddle away, and then check to see how you're doing when you're home on your computer.

I love the internet. Anyhow, check out the website for yourself!